Hope everyone had a happy easters…

Romans 6.

What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

That’s a good scripture. You should read it. Below is something i wrote in my journal a few days ago. You should read it, too.

“In a moment of chaotic desperation and need for solitude, i’ve successfully escaped the chaos of the house and its happenings and am now sitting in a dilapidated lawn chair in the middle of my huge front yard. Scribbling down words, pausing occasionally to be thoughtful or swat unsuccessfully at the gnats biting my ankles. i feel like a display for all of my curious neighbors to inspect as they drive by wondering what i’m doing perched directly in the center of the lawn like some kind of oddly placed tree.

Today is one of those days that I have to tell myself to breathe in…then out…then in again, and then questions concerning my existence promptly follow. Why am i allowed to take these breaths? Who am i that i should be given the gift of life? What is my purpose? Is my only purpose to walk this earth numb until i finally die? Is it true what He says about me? I mean…am i gonna make it?

But then I wonder…
Am i really having an identity crisis or is it simply that I’m failing to remember or recognize the good things? And I think sometimes i like to call it an identity crisis because it takes the blame off of myself and puts it on the ‘forces of evil working against me’, conveniently leaving all responsibility up to God to fix and none to myself. I let myself off the hook, blaming it on a ‘greater power’ or a ’spiritual slump’ as opposed to the reality of my unwillingness to change and pride.

Sometimes maybe it really is just as simple as remembering the good and beautiful things; remembering what makes me happy. So, i’ve decided that in those times of my sheer, self-absorbed, egocentric and dissatisfied moments of dejection, i’ll make a list, whether mental or on paper of the beautiful things that make me happy to combat my ungratefulness. And I say combat instead of counteract, because counteract would imply that my ungratefulness is unavoidable and inescapable. Which it isn’t.

I didn’t realize this is what was happening until I walked inside to change into a shirt conducive to sitting out in hot weather, and Kiley came into my room, excited to show me her latest creation of plywood and poorly hammered nails. The very sight of her sweet little face and innocent voice somehow parted the clouds of agitation and gloom that had gathered over my heart and mind. I was almost taken aback by the instant and unexpected sense of light and clarity. After she left, the clouds reappeared and I stood in the hall wondering how that happened; how it could be that I felt the relief of beauty and then so quickly transitioned back into my heaviness. Why did the sight of her bring about those feelings? Why don’t i feel those things when i look at my parents or my brothers? And i decided a few things…

One: she’s much cuter. And two: because i had no vendetta against her. I had no cause within myself to see her as anything but beautiful. No hidden agitation. No festering bitterness. No account of offense. I didn’t have those things. Me. Not her, me. And i’m willing to bet that most of my tension in relationship with people; most of my cause for forgetting the good in life and in those around me is not because they’ve treated me in some unforgivable manner, forever coloring my perspective on all of life and my surroundings and immediate circumstances, but rather its that I am harboring offense, hurt or disappointment in my heart towards someone or something. I’m hurt that that person offended me, or i’m disappointed that God didn’t give me that car i was pining for, or i’m pissed because the airline refused to give me that refund i was wanting– the list goes on. And onnnnnnnn. I’m busy trying to change that person or my undesirable circumstances instead of letting go of my disappointment and offense towards that someone or that situation.

You might be surprised how quickly clarity and joy comes when you let go of disappointment and hurt and choose to allow your ungrateful heart to be revived by thankfulness.

In my moments of happiness and lightness of heart, when breathing comes easy and purpose is apparent, i often wonder why i cant just be like that all the time. But then i wonder if the beautiful things wouldn’t be so beautiful without the hard, visionless times. Tension and release.”

andrea marie